Stitches (2012)

Right... where to start describing this exercise in futility and procrasturbation. I guess a short plot summary is as good a place as any. "Stitches" follows the story of a foul mouthed clown (Noble) who, through a series of hilarious mishaps, ends up getting impaled on a knife at a child's birthday. Years pass, and the now teenage revelers are visited by good old Stitches one more time. Needless to say they are in for a very eventful night.

Ok. In the industry we call a plot like that a slam-dunk, that is to say that no matter how badly you fuck up in production and spend the entire advertising budget on blow, you're still gonna be left with a decent film. Let me start by saying that if you, like me, find unearthly delight in getting your hollow skull brutally eye-raped by an alcoholic clown, read no further. This is the movie for you. Just close this window in your browser, then close the porn that is running in the background, download the film, pour yourself a glass of Cool-Ade or whatever it is you drink on these lonely nights, and prepare to be fadazzled. For the more sophisticated movie goers (I've never met one but I've heard they exist), let me explain my overall rating of three shiny red stars.

This film more than satisfies the blood lust of any slasher fan with brains being scooped, cocks ripped off, and heads getting pulverised all over the goddamned place. Moreover, it's a 'comedy', so it doesn't take itself too seriously like so many of the B-movie crap coming out today where you can sense the director's sickening self-esteem telling him that he has just filmed this generation's "Psycho", when all he or she has really done is stolen an hour or two of my pathetic little life. However, I'm afraid that while there were laughs, at times they were few and far between. The problem was that in between the comic moments and with the lighthearted comedy atmosphere having been established, the film lacked the darkness and creepiness needed to sustain the viewers' excitement. Essentially, it was not funny enough to be called a 'laugh out loud' killer comedy, nor scary and unnerving enough to be deemed a true slasher. 

All that being said, there is no doubt that this flick deserves my three patriotic stars above, since there are funny moments, and it is a decent bit of gore-porn. However, those amongst you that have come to love Noble for his stand-up might want to slightly lower your expectations.