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Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning (2012)




I have not been this profoundly touched by a film since Schindler's list. Adkins' heartfelt performance left me speechless. Van Damme pulled out all the stops and showed us that he is not only the "muscles from Brussels, but a dramatic leviathan in his own right. And there were times when Lundgren's soulful delivery of expertly-placed one liner emotion-grenades like "Hello, soldier." brought tears to my eyes. So little, yet so much was said.
Unfortunately, I am aware that most movie goers wont share my sublime experience of this motion picture. Such deep insight comes with years of practice and hundreds of hours of footage. Such is life. We can't all be talented, attractive, and possess a remarkable cinematic palette as well as a keen sense of where to use italics in a text to underline key words. But that is by no means a reason to deprive yourself of this gem. Let's start off with the bad. This instalment in the series takes itself far too seriously. It is full of long dramatic travel sequences with no dialogue and ominous music, laboured metaphors and plot devices, and an overall sense of being more than a simple action gore-fest. Which it simply is. No matter how many ideas you "borrow" from "Apocalypse Now". In my humble opinion there is a time for "Gone with the wind", a time for "The Pianist", and a time for "Brutal Blades 7: re-return of the dis-disemboweler". That last one I made up, but imagine if it were real! Oh the possibilities... But I digress. The fact that at times the film tries to be something it's so clearly not makes the experience that little bit more frustrating and tedious.
However, the fight sequences are brutal, well choreographed, inventive, enthralling, and at times hilarious. The token car chase leaves a lot to be desired, but, as always in this film, the ensuing fight scene makes you forgive all previous transgressions. If you are a fan of action, over the top brutality, and are willing to chuckle at the film's rather inflated opinion of itself rather than let it detract from your enjoyment of this epic. And if you don't see it for the violence, see it for the scene where a doctor decides that it would be an excellent idea to drill into the skull of a super-human soldier without anaesthetic. This understandably does not agree with the principal character, sending him into a slow motion Hulk-like rampage. But the detail that made the scene for me was a performance choice Adkins made when the drill bored into his character's skull. I will let you make your own mind up, but I myself found it hard to stop laughing.

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Stitches (2012)

Right... where to start describing this exercise in futility and procrasturbation. I guess a short plot summary is as good a place as any. "Stitches" follows the story of a foul mouthed clown (Noble) who, through a series of hilarious mishaps, ends up getting impaled on a knife at a child's birthday. Years pass, and the now teenage revelers are visited by good old Stitches one more time. Needless to say they are in for a very eventful night.
Ok. In the industry we call a plot like that a slam-dunk, that is to say that no matter how badly you fuck up in production and spend the entire advertising budget on blow, you're still gonna be left with a decent film. Let me start by saying that if you, like me, find unearthly delight in getting your hollow skull brutally eye-raped by an alcoholic clown, read no further. This is the movie for you. Just close this window in your browser, then close the porn that is running in the background, download the film, pour yourself a glass of Cool-Ade or whatever it is you drink on these lonely nights, and prepare to be fadazzled. For the more sophisticated movie goers (I've never met one but I've heard they exist), let me explain my overall rating of three shiny red stars.
This film more than satisfies the blood lust of any slasher fan with brains being scooped, cocks ripped off, and heads getting pulverised all over the goddamned place. Moreover, it's a 'comedy', so it doesn't take itself too seriously like so many of the B-movie crap coming out today where you can sense the director's sickening self-esteem telling him that he has just filmed this generation's "Psycho", when all he or she has really done is stolen an hour or two of my pathetic little life. However, I'm afraid that while there were laughs, at times they were few and far between. The problem was that in between the comic moments and with the lighthearted comedy atmosphere having been established, the film lacked the darkness and creepiness needed to sustain the viewers' excitement. Essentially, it was not funny enough to be called a 'laugh out loud' killer comedy, nor scary and unnerving enough to be deemed a true slasher. 
All that being said, there is no doubt that this flick deserves my three patriotic stars above, since there are funny moments, and it is a decent bit of gore-porn. However, those amongst you that have come to love Noble for his stand-up might want to slightly lower your expectations.

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